Tuesday, May 10, 2011

If Tony Soprano was the Boss of a Lab (instead of a mafia family)

So of late I’ve been watching the Sopranos, season to season, back to back. I know I’m a few years behind, but at least I can watch it without ads and in my own time. The series is amazing and epic and well I can see why it has such a cult following.

But it got me thinking, what if a research lab was run by Tony? Here for a bit of fun are some things I think would apply if Tony got out of the ‘waste management’ business and moved into the lab:

· If your PCR or any equipment didn’t work you could just shoot it

· Sales reps who sold dodgy products could be dealt with swiftly using a metal pipe to the knee caps.

· Trade in black market and unused reagents would be encouraged. And I bet it would be still cheaper than buying from Applied Biosystems

· Lab meetings and journal club would be accompanied by gravy (the tomato version) and pasta and deli rolls

· Post Docs could be called Captain. Postgraduate students could take on term I think is much more suited to their position and workload – soldiers

· Lab staff who didn’t pull their weight and replace stock could be dealt with by a quick centrifuge lid to the knuckles

· When other staff tried make life difficult or give you more work it would be perfectly acceptable to shout “MUTHAF#$A” and tip over chairs, throw phones at the wall and stomp out

· If you have a difficult or awkward situation, the mood can immediately lifted by saying “I’m just breaking your balls”

· Lab coats would be replaced by leather jackets or white terry towel bathrobes

· Everyone would have nicknames such as Paulie, Vito, and Junior

· Big overworked hair, excess makeup, long nails, gum chewing and platform shoes would be required PPE for the women in the lab.

· The lab stereo would permanently set to play a mixture of The Doors, AC/DC, Led Zeppelin, Deep Purple and other rock classics, with the occasional Dean Martin song thrown in

· Pipettes would be referred to as “pieces”

· Acceptable adjectives in research articles would include “a$#hole” and “f*$#kin” and “oooh”

· Rather than being in the waste management industry, Tony’s kids would tell their friends their Dad is in the ‘Biotech Industry’

· Long meetings would be accompanied by a quality scotch on the rocks

· The air in the meeting room and offices must be thick with cigar smoke at all times

· A singing fish would be mandatory on the boss’s desk

· Food would be the answer to all problems

· Ethics approvals would be a thing of the past

· Gambling and other ‘business’ would be legitimate methods to funding research

So there you have it. If Tony Soprano ran a lab, I think it would be a very interesting place to work, not that labs aren't interesting now! Well now it's back to "The Sopranos", only three episodes left before the marathon ends.....

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